Emergency exits of a Teen-Adult
I had always been a control freak which both nourished me, enabled me to by being keen find goals and work hard to attain them so I managed to change cities and then countries to follow, and damaged me by letting me depress myself whenever I stood still and felt like I haven`t lived enough in meantime.
My blessing was realizing time`s value in an early age by my obsession over it was a curse... I cannot really compare my struggles in life to anyone else, and I strongly believe that noone should. I have lost my father, threatened by my stepbrothers/sisters both monetary and psychologically. I was so lucky to have such a strong mother figure who always protected, supported and encouraged me to have control over my life. I was curious yet cautious to have the strings on my hands, so I did everything by the book, sometimes managed to trick it by my own way. What I mean by that is that I have been working in international companies, while I am not a very good fit for the corporate world. I realized that I was only in a working-sleeping cycle in weekdays and looking forward to weekends starting from Sunday evenings. Just at the exact moment of realization by obsession of time kicked in, started to push me off my limits most of all mentally. I made the most of my time, raced with time, with creating memories worth the experiences, doing something in every bit of minute that I am not occupied by work. After being able to match your own private deadlines (getting a concert ticket, wearing wedding dressing for a photoshoot, getting drunk and then catching a flight) in a breathless race, you begin to felt like torturing yourself and the first thing that comes to your mind when you are not fulfilled with your life is the choices you made to pick a profession. I was only feeling alive, and remunating life when I was away from work which I worked as a Financial Controller by the way.
In time I accepted the fact that I cannot be the person I would like to be in occupation-wise. Not because I was afraid to chase my dreams but I did not have any satisfying dreams that I felt attached for a lifetime. As a mostly unsatisfied person in occupation, I had this simulation in my head that I was travelling all around, trying local foods, meeting people, or painting every day, working with illustrators etc. None of the ideas and passions in me had a happy ending, because I had too many interests I was always bored at the end of every simulation. So I though to myself “Why should I just start from scratch then, why bother myself taking the same steps, I will just carry on with my corporate life where I have breaks with the interests I already have. They will be my emergency exits in life.”
I followed this though, I had my own parameters for success. A balanced-life, surrounded with several loving people, painting from time to time, seeking opportunities in every change I encounter. Corporate culture never fit me, but I had found this little holes that I could try to fit myself in some way which didn´t distrupt the work flow but reassured my love to live. That is when I felt becaming such a survivor, not being a rebel but not an obedient either. I guess that was the charm I put on myself, because I was not directly opposing any rules but only bending for new way of living, nobody seemed to be hardly rejecting my way of behavior (some even find it enthusiastic).
So be a hard working, self-aware (still in growth), sensible, nurturing, awesome person that you already are! You can find your path within the bounding realities of your daily life. I am opposing all the over-positive attitude that became popular anyway, so whenever you feel a bit cruel and self- depreciative, I would only like to remind you that you were the first best friend that you ever had and surely will always remain unconditionally…
